BAD CHOICE OF WORDS:

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. They found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a boy to propose to a girl. But, regardless of how you said it, I accept!"


FOR APRIL 15

What's the definition of an accountant? - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant? - Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What's an auditor? - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road? - Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane? - Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? - Depreciation.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem -- I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."


SOMETHING CHEAPER THAN GOLFING???

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500." He wrote the hospital and reminded them that the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."


MAXIMS FOR THE INTERNET AGE

* Home is where you hang your @
* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
* Great groups from little icons grow.
* Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
* C:\ is the root of all directories.
* Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
* Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
* The modem is the message.
* Too many clicks spoil the browse.
* The geek shall inherit the earth.
* A chat has nine lives.
* Don't byte off more than you can view.
* Fax is stranger than fiction.
* What boots up must come down.
* Windows will never cease.
* Virtual reality is its own reward.
* Modulation in all things.
* A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
* There's no place like http://www.home.com
* Know what to expect before you connect.
* Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice html.
* Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.


TRUTHS:

My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn; My house isn't dirty the cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn; I think I might never put my glasses back on!

The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.

You know you're old when jogging is something you do to your memory.


IF COMPUTER ERROR MESSAGES WERE WRITTEN IN HAIKU...

Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred.

Everything is gone; Your life's work has been destroyed. Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again

The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak.

Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy?

A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers.

Server's poor response Not quick enough for browser. Timed out, plum blossom.

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system.

This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you.

Wind catches lily scatt'ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault

ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully.

With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner.

The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist

Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down

A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

There is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can't bridge

Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that

To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.

No keyboard present Hit F1 to continue Zen engineering?

Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.

The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone.

Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found."

Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared Screen. Mind. Both are blank.